it juust brings tears to my eyes...
maybe it is because I haven't slept in a few days. Maybe it is because I know that tomorrow might be a very good day. Maybe because my room is warm thanks to bailey's new space heater. But I do think I am going to actually sleep ok tonight.
I haven't been able to sleep the last ouple of night. I haven't been able to talk to brett the last couple nights eithers, with the exception of the other night, but I had ice cream/ a really long nap.
I have a feeling Brett will call me tonight before I fall asleep (maybe not, I am really tired right now). Or at least call me some time tonight before it is too late.
it could be a combination of my electric blanket being too warm, or maybe the smell oof cigarette smoke from downstairs invading my room, I don't know what is wrong with me.maybe i am going crazy. who knows.
I have been thinking, and i wasn't going to ask anyone because I am afraid that I am not going to get the answers I would like to hear. But curiosity killed the cat, so here we go. Are you ever drving down the road, and a great song you love or loved at one time comes on, you are happy and singing, and then out of nowhere it makes you cry. Not happy tears, not mad tear, maybe sad tears, just for the most part weird uncomfortable tears that come from no where and make you feel bad anxiety and all messed up. Yeah, this happend to me alot, like once a week. Usually when I am driving to the bank durring work to drop off the deposit. It happened when I was listening to ignition by R. Kelly (?). Or when you see something that is good or cute, and you can help it and start bauling? That happend to me when I saw the biker's bringing all the christmas presents for needy children up to the town above us called Paradise, they had stuffed animals strapped to them and their bikes, presents and all sorts of stuff for kids. And I just couldn't help it.
I get this at the weirdest moments, but usually when I am driving in my car listen to the radio. Sometimes once a week, sometimes many times a week. An anxiety thing I am sure. Is it just me? Post or leave a note to tell me if I am crazy or not.
I am not depressed. When I look in the mirror lately I am pleased with the person i see. I feel happy and great, a little lonely and overworked, but great none the less. I am proud of myself, I think I am starting to look good. I don't know though. I am putting my money on crazy.
Right now i have this floaty feeling in my head...similar to the feeling I get right before a panic attack, but I can't imagine getting one because I can't imagine what could trigger it right now before I go to bed. A kind of detatched from self type of thing. Oh well.
I am realizing that I am a compulsive shopper. I like to look around stores, almost as if I am looking to make sure that I don't need anything. If I needed it, I think I would already know. This results in me buying alot of things I don't need. I said this today because I went to target just to buy raquetball goggles, and I bought some cards to send to my family, and some laundry soap. But I needed laundry soap, i was out, and my cousin's birthday is this month. It is the worst at the grocery store. I really should start to make a list, i need to learn to save money better. Maybe I will start tomorrow. Maybe I should just stop going to walmart all together. Bad things can happen the day I get my paycheck. Luckily,only twenty bucks damage. But it was necessary, kinda, haha.
Oh, I got a call from pier 1 today about my job application, interested in hiring me but they need someone to wwork the days I am at school...sucks to be me. I also got a call from the catering service at out school, I am going to give them a call back tuesday to set up an interview and see how much they are willing to pay me, hours, etc. It was a good day for job call backs. I just wish I could get some good hours at the bookstore. That would be sweet!
So, thats the gossip for today, for the most part. I worked with this girl today who was really sick and had walking pnemonia...hope I don't get sick. I guess I am gonna stare at the internet some more, and then crash. these long work days are wearing me out!
2004-01-16 | 10:47 p.m.