Break? WHAT FUCKING BREAK???
Overworked+knowing there is never going to be a free moment of enjoyment for many a month to come+knowing that i am going to have surgery+feeling unaapreciated=depressed.
I am assuming the migranes and the lack of appetite and and mood swings and the inability to be happy are a result of this new wave of depression that will hopefully be dispelled.
Depression is really bad for me because I just want to run away from everything and be alone and I fear I might actually do it and really screw things up.
I start to think I would be better in everything alone, whether or not the people around me kee me up or bring me down. I just can't enjoy people in general, even the ones I love, and it sucks because they are so great and I am so not deserving, but I just pout and be unattractive and mean.
I have been robbed of my spring break and it makes me want to cry, or just get in my car and drive away for a while. Not even chocolate ice cream sounds good, and no food sounds good for that matter, and that is how I know it is bad, because food is my refuge, and I am past food.
I am just a whiny little bitch aren't I?
I wish i had a girlfriend here I could tell secrets to and talk to. Someone I could trust to help me sort out my feelings and make decisions with. Boys can't do this, no matter how great they are. I need a girlfriend to be right here next to me, not hundreds of miles away. I need friends, because my only escape is brett and I exhaust him and only drag him along my emotional rollercoaster. He is so much a part of me it is almost impossible for him to balance me anymore. I try to run away from myself, which means I am trying to get away from everything, not intentionally including him, and so I am a bad girl friend. That is why he is alone right now and I am writing crappy diaryland entries.
I might go for a drive, but there are tons of drunks out right now (aka drunk drivers galore), and I don't feel like putting on a bra.
This instability is putting crazy ideas in my head and i want them out and it isn't fair.
I JUST WANTED A FUCKING SPRING BREAK. WHERE IS MY FUCKING BREAK?!?!?!?!?!?!
oh, names the tree last night. So enraged right now and crazy in my head I can not remember what it is. But Brett came up with it and it was cute and I recall like it a lot.
Ok, now I am of to self destruct.
2004-03-17 | 11:21 p.m.