gloom
I don't even know where to start. Meh. Well, at least my house is almost clean for my mom's arrival tomorrow. It will be good to spend time with her. But I wish it wasn't for this reason.
As before, I am terrified for this surgery. I am sick of hearing it will be ok, that it is no big deal, that I have nothing to worry about. Good itentions, I do realize, but kind words are starting to hurt. The more I think about it, the higher the anxiety rises. I can not take anything if I have a panic attack of head ache, I just have to cope, and coping just isn't my strong point right now.
Looking back 2 years, where am I now? I am confused and overwhelmed. I think I want to move back to Southern California when I am done here at Chico. Go to law school or grad school down there. As much as I hate going home because of my brother, I just feel alone up here, even though I have Brett. I need my family. What am I doing to myself? I am torn between the person I want to be, and the person I am to cover up the conflicts inside. I feel like I am just getting meaner and less sensitive to those around me lately. Of course, this could be the unchecked anxiety of my pending doom. But I think it is deeper.
My drive to be perfect has returned, and I don't like it. I shook it off for a while, because it drove me crazy. But right now the only thing I can concern myself with or focus on is my need to appear perfect. APPEAR perfect. Perfect house, perfect grades (almost), perfect little Stephanie. It is not a good thing, I am only setting myself up for failure.
I need a support system. One person can not be a support system. I need friends, I need people who when I feel like the world is collasping on top of me, we can grab a pint of ice cream and sooth our worries. Currently it is me and my gallon of ice cream hiding from problems.
Why is it I just go to my internship, come home, and sleep every day. Nothing exciting, nowhere to go, no one to see. I feel like the anti-social forty year old woman who is just too caught up in her house and home that she dosen't get to go out and play. What is it about me that makes me so unattractive as a friend?
I miss hanging out in the summer and doing absolutely nothing, just walking around the mill. Don't get me wrong, I love what I get to do now with my internship, helping people who have no where else to go. I wish I could dedicate my life to some cause give every minute of my life to bettering humanity.
Can't I have both? Or is that the way the world works? If you have a passion for something, there has to be someone else to share it with, and right now in this case I am all alone. I have so much inside of me I want to let it, and no one to share it with.
With Brett, we have such different views on poverty and welfar of humanity. It is creating tension, and when we fight about it, it scares me, because it makes me feel very alone.
What do you do when you find someone who loves you more than you ever imagined another human being could love you? I am overwhelmed by it sometimes. No matter what, he loves me, and it is so foreign to me, I don't even know how to handle it sometimes. What is a girl to do? I want to love him the same, but when he has so much love in him, am I capable?
I changed my major, and I am maybe trasitioning in what I want to do with my life. Whatever I do, I want it to be good. Constructive. Helpful. I would love to go to law school and work for a non-profit. I would love to be part of some humanitarian effort, or go to grad school and get a job working in a foreign country or traveling the world. I want to give to those who are deprived by our economics. Who is going to follow me there?
Am i just being morally arrogant, or am I just asking too much of myself? I can't imagine being able to live with myself if I ever settled for less than what I know I can do. If I knew I could help people, but I would have to sacrafice, and I turned it down, would I sleep at night?
I want to have it all. To be self sacraficeing, to have all things I was raised to admire and desire.
I want an answer. And I am tired of feeling alone.
One day until mommy, 4 days until surgery.
I fear I will never have my baby and eat it too.
2004-06-05 | 4:37 p.m.