do I even have half a chance?
I love those moments hen you have the drinking in you and you feel like you own the world. So you go and say stupid stuff. I did it twice last night.
Example #1: I asked Dave if I had half a chance with Cory. I am such a stupid girl. Dave's response: Yes. But he is curious about your history.
What is that supposed to mean??? I really hope people don’t judge me on my past because I have taken the rough and rocky road to be able to be the person I am today. I have a lot of things I am not too proud of. A lot I am proud of too. But I guess this is what it boils down to: I think Cory is too good for me. I definitely think he is out of my league. And I am very very intimidated by this. I don't have skeletons in the closet or anything to hide...I am a very open person (maybe too open some times).
I told Traci about what I said. They get mad at me when I talk about Cory and I do this. They say I get way too worked up about this and that I care too much. Easy for them to say, they are good at this whole being single and meeting guys thing. My problem is that I don't know what I want. I break up with Brett and my life has done a complete 180 since then...my life is hardly the same as it was last year. I swear I love the single life and I don't want to be tied down. And all this is true. But then Cory walks into my life and I don't know what to do. He drives me absolutely crazy like no other person has ever done to me. He makes me jealous, I never ever get jealous.
Dave also said he doesn’t know what he wants, but I already had a pretty good idea about that. OK, so neither of us knows what we want. What I want is to be able to go do what I want to do, but have someone to call up and hang out with, with the occasional super romantic moments.
When I first met Cory, I was like, damn, he is a good looking guy. I was in the mood for a fuck buddy. I was looking to make him that. But wow how that has changed. I don't even know if I would sleep with him right now. He makes me want to wait and make it meaningful. I want to get to know him more. I just want to spend time together, doing things and not having it have to be overly sexual. There is something about him that does that to me.
So why did I have to ask Dave that? Dave said he didn't want to be the middle man. I said of course no, that is stupid and impersonal and I don't want someone else knowing the personal details. But I felt like an ass. Indeed.
Stupid moment #2: I brought up the whole elections thing with Thomas when I was drunk. I hate that I did that. I hate putting people on the sot with stuff like that. He seemed really awkward after I asked it. For some stupid reason it is really important what he thinks of me running for decisions and it has a lot of weight on what I will actually choose to do. So that was sucky. I hate it when I do stupid things in front of people I work with and look up to. It is the worst.
So as much fun as last night was, I had my moments. But I had a fabulous time and I am so happy with my new friends and where life is taking me. I just wish I could make up my mind and be cool like everyone else I know.
2004-12-04 | 4:06 p.m.